In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Break the Silence.”
“Stay calm”, i told myself as every atom in my body wanted to scream out in anger and just get the anger out. It was in the afternoon i just woke from sleep due to to a dream. It was just 2-3 hrs that i had fallen asleep. since I work for night shift i sleep in mornings. I rarely get sleep since past one year, so when ever i do i like to enjoy it.
Few years back me and my then so called future better half had gone on a road trip and we had gone to a park and spent some time there discussing bout the future and how to convince both our conservative family. So i still remember that moment we were sitting in a swing and planning bout going aboard making few bucks. settling and somehow convincing parents and planning what to do if they do not agree.
So the dream which i got was the whole conversation on the swing where she told bout how I should impress her family so on and so forth. At that point it was every matured conversation. But i dint knew few years later it would haunt me as a nightmare and she would just be a distant fruit whom i can never have cause she left me.
So as i got that dream i just woke from my sleep with a shout and luckily no one was home. woke up sweating and out of no were tears and anger gushed inside me as if someone had robbed me of my life. Then some how i calmed myself down.
I couldn’t sleep i got off from bed and came to hall and was just sitting there silent and sweating. Everything came back to me; the shame the insults the losses the current situation of confusion made me more angry. Cried a while tears suddenly turned into rage and as i wanted to give a shout on top on my voice the door opened and my mom came in seeing me sitting there she asked me what happened. My heart wanted to tell her everything and be relaxed but then i remembered its my burden to carry not theirs so just smiled and said “nothing mom; am just hungry…”.
When i remember those happy moment spent with her it gives me a mixed reaction within me. For the old her i love for the new her i wanna slap on her face and face and ask what did i do to deserve all this crap in life. Left a good company to be with her; lost every single penny i saved, lost my peace of mind, became a all time time angry person with nothing but rage to bring down everything.
As if betrayal from her wasn’t enough the tormenting dreams then memories its like all some Christopher Nolan sci fi movie..:P
Silence is the treatment i give to all every time and this is the podium i speak out.
An advice never play with someone else’s feelings for you it may be a shitty game for the other person it can be end of peace of mind once you cheat.
Its been a year since i slept properly or ate properly. Ignored family and friends for i do not have the strength to face my dad or mom and tell saying i lost everything cause of a girl ….. Worst part i still love her for i feel somewhere inside her the old innocent loving caring girl i fell in love with still exists
Comments are welcome but do not get down to judging me……..
Cheers to life
“It will heal just give it time” – everyone who knew me said that, somewhere deep down inside me even though i knew it was a lie i was happy that somehow i shall be back up on my feet figuratively speaking. Its been a long time now and i realised i was right all along.
Now that’s the dilemma should i rejoice for i was right or be sad that the wounds of past are still hurting me. Well neither, I think its time to accept. Accept the fact that nothing really heals; we only get accustomed to the change.
Healing is just a white lie to soothe the raging mind and heart. But when we think at a logically level is it not a lie. There is no absolute in this matter. Healing is a process giving to slowly adjusting with facts. It’s not like it’s gone; it will be there within us only thing is we will be strong enough to hide it.
When i thought i would be healed of my scars from the past, i was really happy until the point i realised it wont if the person stands right front of me all would fall back. I do not want to be healed or tortured i would want it to be channelled into something productive. giving an edge towards attaining success or happiness. Let every sleepless night be turned into brain storming sessions as to how to plan and execute the steps towards attaining growth. Let every insult lead to a motivation to prove them wrong. Let every cheating bastards be a lesson to differentiate people next time. Let all the anger fuel up the bulldozer towards success.
It’s a twisted thought for some; but think out of the box; let your pain be your motivation.
I personally know its hard but am trying; cause failure is not when we fail; it’s when we lay low instead of getting back up. It’s ok to fall but it’s not ok to get back up take your time but make sure to get back up and make sure you are back on battle mode.
PAin is good; it gives you time to think and what is right and wrong. But yes do not let pain make you do things which are immoral and illegal. CAuse we already have government and religion for that..hahaha.
So next time someone says it will all heal tell them to keep it for themselves. Cause nothing heals we only get adjusted.
Cheers to life
Ever wondered that if you had the chance to meet someone all over again; you would speak the spoken words in a different manner altogether. I mean when you read this am sure there might be at least one person who just flashes before your eyes. Is it not funny; that we say I have spoken out my heart out with person XYZ and yet still we have something we feel inside us saying “nah; I have to speak more”.
So what do you do with such words or such wanting to happen conversation…?; am asking it as a question. Since i tried to find a answer and somehow am not satisfied with it. Its become like an obsession to me that i wanna talk to that person. Huh well I tried to write off in my diary tried to shout it out when alone. But nah didn’t work out. So here i am trying to figure it out.
May be there is no point talking to the person since they may or may not understand the depth of the conversation one is trying to have with them. Where are those kind off who love to listen and try to understand. Huh where are those group of people who like to talk bout the universe, bout the infinite wonders that the universe beholds in front of us to be questioned and understood. Where are the Einstein, the darwins, the misfits who have the intellect beyond the average person.
The human physcology intrigues me when i read bout human nature and when i really experience it. They say if we do something continuously for 21 days it becomes a habit. Well i spent countless days and hrs talking with a certain person and yet the other person doesn’t even remember. Why do we accept failure quicker and success late.
Common sense is termed as stupidity; and when you try to correct someone to the best of your knowledge one is marked as smart ass. Sometimes the stupidity of people intrigues me more than the atoms the universe the scientific world.
I do not remember the last best conversation i had which i felt was totally worth my time and whisky. So i wanna set out on a quest to find those share a common interest like me to talk to.
Its a small experiment that i wanna do cause i wanna see if the world is evolving towards a more smart generation or towards a inadequately misinformed bunch of people.
I know the topic started off with an emotional touch and turning into a very serious one. Well that’s the beauty of it , trying to keep it simple and straightforward .
The human ignorance has reached a such a level these days that we see a dying man instead of helping him we get busy clicking pictures of him. See that’s what i cant bear to see the emotional less society that we are breeding and supporting. Where will it lead too well if we think on it; the world wouldn’t be a safe place to live in. Same time thats no reason to turn our back either. So what do we do.? well i say speak out. Do not let the unspoken words be inside you, let it out; let it reach the ears and hearts of the one who deserves it. Do not be silent by the ignorance. Speak out the unspoken out…….
Cheers to life
Our society run by insane people for insane objectives – John Lennon
Society as we all know consists of people;but every few realize that oneself is also part of it. Why i say this is because imagine a situation where you tell your friend bout something which the masses do not follow and you wanna expose it. Am sure everyone would have got an answer saying its BS and society will not accept it.
ok let me give an example; few years back i told my friend bout me thinking of giving up religion. I gave my reasons logically; however my friend was not convinced his reply was like others saying”what will society think about you…?”
Now that kind off made me think saying i have heard this BS reason many times saying society, people etc. How can any sane person buy that kind of rubbish. Every human is an integral part of the society. Why don’t people believe in the value of themselves in it. When few of the idiots can say they represent huge section of society; why don’t the one’s who disagree with them stand up.. The silence of the mass enables the noise of the few. We blame each other for not being able to bring bout the change. When we really think logically each one of us are responsible. Because we chose silence since we did not want “society” blacklisting us.
As i have seen many of us have a certain point of view in many things of the world but we do not scared thinking the other person may label him as anti society so what happens is everyone thinks that the other person will think wrong bout him.
Why is it so hard for people to say what they feel is wrong morally or intellectually. When we are a part of the society we still act as if we are an outsider. And when someone rises above this social Totalitarianism; even though we agree with the one who raised his voice we still keep quite cause “society ” is watching. Well i say its total bullshit of the highest order.
We have the power to change the world; we know what is wrong what is right, we know we should object every wrong doing; but we do not cause we feel we are being watched.
Example again; ah lets say one believes that atheist, gays, LGBT,the downtrodden should be given their say in society; but the insane few will say no, and the masses shun their voice and support the few who control the many.
Our society is specifically like a fake smile. When a few daring ones tries to change it we either banish him as an outsider or try to shun him out. And few give up and few fight harder and make sure their voice is heard.
In conclusion; i would like to say that do not be afraid to voice out if any thing wrong is happening in front of you. When people say society is just like this; rebound saying no i as an individual i too have my right to make my voice be heard. And this my way of trying to be the change by voicing out against the hypocrisy against the thoughtless.
Do not follow the blind followers, be the rebel, be the change, be a human.
Cheers to life
” Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go ”
The intro chorus of Let her go by passenger, well the song which calms the burning desire in me to contact the one who broke me.
Just about to leave office in a while and as usual her thoughts came to my mind, then i just remembered today is the day she complete broke all level of compassion, humanity, love a year back.
Its been a year now without her by my side. She left me for good for reasons which i still do not know. But every night when i try to sleep off i get this urge to call her to speak to her to at least mail her and tell her that am sorry for what ever she feels i did wrong. Then i listen to this song and just kill that thought.
Funny thing is she has found a replacement, when i still think of her hoping that one day she will come back. It’s a emotional night today cause since 2 weeks i have been not able to get sleep thinking about her. I thought of writing a mail for her. but my brain said no she is happy without you. She is successful without you and the heart says love is not about status money and all it’s all about the human emotions.
People say i express out loud whatever it is in my life. Sometimes i feel the same; but that’s what life is about right to feel the good the bad and the ugly. Why hide..???
Huh well sometimes when i think about her i remember the child man inside me. The funny moments we shared the smiles and the tears we bared together. And suddenly a rage comes up like i wanting to give everything and anything to get her back then common sense brings me back to reality.
The fall of a tear marks that i will fall off to sleep. I have no grudge for the insults the losses and the emotional damage i incurred. But all i asked was for human decency. May be i am stupid to still wait for her when the world around me is slowly falling apart.
Then i found this blogging as a way to express out what i feel and want, cause i know someday somehow she may get to see this and may be she will realise that i was not a bad guy and i kept up every promise i made to her. To stay loyal and single if she ever lets me go..
The fear of losing her always haunted me, but she always shooed it away and i trusted without a doubt. I faked to believe a GOD whom i never believed. I stood my ground always except when it was her on the other side.
Every night is a night mare, a parade of tears and depression, but every morning i am supposed to put up the mask of a smile and fake it as if i like it.
My weakness was her, and she got the better of me.
She knows i will not strike against her no matter what.
well i really wanna talk to her but; she has forgotten that i even exist.
She has forgotten that in an attempt to win her back i lost everything back home.
Every penny i saved for our future was spent on trying to see her meet her.
Every dream i see turns into a night mare and the rage against every religion which i had has turned into an incurable anger. The time we spent on the beaches still haunt me that i cannot go to the beaches where we once played. The water, of which i was scared and she took it away has become like my enemy.
I was down in hell but i was fighting it hard and making thru then she came and said why don’t you come up here let me help you and made me soft.
I do not blame her for anything that happened i only pity her for playing with my emotions which she had no clue as to how i trust people.
The fight was never against her, it was always for her she always realised it until money fame and power made her go blind.
Death was never an option; but now at times the thought of it kinda soothes my raging mind.
The 4 horses anger, sadness,depression and old me try to create a dust storm in my mind trying to gain control.
It’s all just a phase few said but never thought the phase would break me so badly.So many unspoken words wander my mind trying to get it out but the smile and happiness in her face stops me from speaking out. I do not want to be the black dot on her white life.
Well i really wanna talk to her but…..
she is happy without me not knowing am not… 🙂
To the one the only the one who thought me to smile when smile was my enemy.
Cheers to life
“I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.” – Albert Einstein.
Albert Einstein who said E=MC^2; well the irony is as per the theory of relativity time showed slow down not gain speed with certain conditions….:D Well science aside; i always wondered if the future me will remember the past or the present me. I have a diary and blog as physical evidence so why not write a letter to me by myself. Just a thought though but let me give a try to it.
Hey there ah HK
Ah this is Hk from the past which currently the present…:D confusing i know.
So lets get down to business. Hope you have become that rich guy for which am busting my behind and takes freaking risks as if am 16yr old. Well i think we will make it there i trust you ;i mean me..oh this is so confusing .
So let me put it down in a simple poem sort of way.
Here i stand in confusion for a stable future.
Undergoing the bashing from life still standing tall not for today’s sake;
but for tomorrows sake.
The blood sweat and tears i shed now hope they harvested happiness
Not alone for me but for the ones who stood along side with me.
Hope the ghost of the past are dead and are not haunting you at nights;
for i am trying to exterminate those ghostly thoughts now itself.
Hope you have not fallen behind the walls of foolishness and accepted defeat.
Future me; hope you have not let me down for the struggles i am going thru now.
Hope the challenges are won and the ones who challenged have accepted defeat.
Hope you have given back to those who insulted you and laughed at your worst days.
Future me hope you have kicked some serious butt of those who put you down.
Hope you are still that old principle oriented man for which i am paying the price now.
Dear future hope you made it where i strive to be now.
I do not want to break you by the other topics of heart break.
Just be the man you always dreamt and fought to be
Hope, hope has not left you.
Cheers to life.