” Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go ”
The intro chorus of Let her go by passenger, well the song which calms the burning desire in me to contact the one who broke me.
Just about to leave office in a while and as usual her thoughts came to my mind, then i just remembered today is the day she complete broke all level of compassion, humanity, love a year back.
Its been a year now without her by my side. She left me for good for reasons which i still do not know. But every night when i try to sleep off i get this urge to call her to speak to her to at least mail her and tell her that am sorry for what ever she feels i did wrong. Then i listen to this song and just kill that thought.
Funny thing is she has found a replacement, when i still think of her hoping that one day she will come back. It’s a emotional night today cause since 2 weeks i have been not able to get sleep thinking about her. I thought of writing a mail for her. but my brain said no she is happy without you. She is successful without you and the heart says love is not about status money and all it’s all about the human emotions.
People say i express out loud whatever it is in my life. Sometimes i feel the same; but that’s what life is about right to feel the good the bad and the ugly. Why hide..???
Huh well sometimes when i think about her i remember the child man inside me. The funny moments we shared the smiles and the tears we bared together. And suddenly a rage comes up like i wanting to give everything and anything to get her back then common sense brings me back to reality.
The fall of a tear marks that i will fall off to sleep. I have no grudge for the insults the losses and the emotional damage i incurred. But all i asked was for human decency. May be i am stupid to still wait for her when the world around me is slowly falling apart.
Then i found this blogging as a way to express out what i feel and want, cause i know someday somehow she may get to see this and may be she will realise that i was not a bad guy and i kept up every promise i made to her. To stay loyal and single if she ever lets me go..
The fear of losing her always haunted me, but she always shooed it away and i trusted without a doubt. I faked to believe a GOD whom i never believed. I stood my ground always except when it was her on the other side.
Every night is a night mare, a parade of tears and depression, but every morning i am supposed to put up the mask of a smile and fake it as if i like it.
My weakness was her, and she got the better of me.
She knows i will not strike against her no matter what.
well i really wanna talk to her but; she has forgotten that i even exist.
She has forgotten that in an attempt to win her back i lost everything back home.
Every penny i saved for our future was spent on trying to see her meet her.
Every dream i see turns into a night mare and the rage against every religion which i had has turned into an incurable anger. The time we spent on the beaches still haunt me that i cannot go to the beaches where we once played. The water, of which i was scared and she took it away has become like my enemy.
I was down in hell but i was fighting it hard and making thru then she came and said why don’t you come up here let me help you and made me soft.
I do not blame her for anything that happened i only pity her for playing with my emotions which she had no clue as to how i trust people.
The fight was never against her, it was always for her she always realised it until money fame and power made her go blind.
Death was never an option; but now at times the thought of it kinda soothes my raging mind.
The 4 horses anger, sadness,depression and old me try to create a dust storm in my mind trying to gain control.
It’s all just a phase few said but never thought the phase would break me so badly.So many unspoken words wander my mind trying to get it out but the smile and happiness in her face stops me from speaking out. I do not want to be the black dot on her white life.
Well i really wanna talk to her but…..
she is happy without me not knowing am not… 🙂
To the one the only the one who thought me to smile when smile was my enemy.
Cheers to life