Break the silence

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Break the Silence.”

“Stay calm”, i told myself as every atom in my body wanted to scream out in anger and just get the anger out. It was in the afternoon i just woke from sleep due to to a dream. It was just 2-3 hrs that i had fallen asleep. since I work for night shift i sleep in mornings. I rarely get sleep since past one year, so when ever i do i like to enjoy it.
image

.
.
.
.

Few years back me and my then so called future better half had gone on a road trip and we had gone to a park and spent some time there discussing bout the future and how to convince both our conservative family. So i still remember that moment we were sitting in a swing and planning bout going aboard making few bucks. settling and somehow convincing parents and planning what to do if they do not agree.

So the dream which i got was the whole conversation on the swing where she told bout how I should impress her family so on and so forth. At that point it was every matured conversation. But i dint knew few years later it would haunt me as a nightmare and she would just be a distant fruit whom i can never have cause she left me.

So as i got that dream i just woke from my sleep with a shout and luckily no one was home. woke up sweating and out of no were tears and anger gushed inside me as if someone had robbed me of my life. Then some how i calmed myself down.

I couldn’t sleep i got off from bed and came to hall and was just sitting there silent and sweating. Everything came back to me; the shame the insults the losses the current situation of confusion made me more angry. Cried a while tears suddenly turned into rage and as i wanted to give a shout on top on my voice the door opened and my mom came in seeing me sitting there she asked me what happened. My heart wanted to tell her everything and be relaxed but then i remembered its my burden to carry not theirs so just smiled and said “nothing mom; am just hungry…”.

When i remember those happy moment spent with her it gives me a mixed reaction within me. For the old her i love for the new her i wanna slap on her face and face and ask what did i do to deserve all this crap in life. Left a good company to be with her; lost every single penny i saved, lost my peace of mind, became a all time time angry person with nothing but rage to bring down everything.

As if betrayal from her wasn’t enough the tormenting dreams then memories its like all some Christopher Nolan sci fi movie..:P

Silence is the treatment i give to all every time and this is the podium i speak out.

An advice never play with someone else’s feelings for you it may be a shitty game for the other person it can be end of peace of mind once you cheat.

Its been a year since i slept properly or ate properly. Ignored family and friends for i do not have the strength to face my dad or mom and tell saying i lost everything cause of a girl ….. Worst part i still love her for i feel somewhere inside her the old innocent loving caring girl i fell in love with still exists

Comments are welcome but do not get down to judging me……..

Cheers to life

Airboy89

Advertisements

White lies about healing…

“It will heal just give it time” – everyone who knew me said that, somewhere deep down inside me even though i knew it was a lie i was happy that somehow i shall be back up on my feet figuratively speaking. Its been a long time now and i realised i was right all along.

112539_20130810_012224_43

Now that’s the dilemma should i rejoice for i was right or be sad that the wounds of past are still hurting me. Well neither, I think its time to accept. Accept the fact that nothing really heals; we only get accustomed to the change.

Healing is just a white lie to soothe the raging mind and heart. But when we think at a logically level is it not a lie. There is no absolute in this matter. Healing is a process giving to slowly adjusting with facts. It’s not like it’s gone; it will be there within us only thing is we will be strong enough to hide it.

When i thought i would be healed of my scars from the past, i was really happy until the point i realised it wont if the person stands right front of me all would fall back. I do not want to be healed or tortured i would want it to be channelled into something productive. giving an edge towards attaining success or happiness. Let every sleepless night be turned into brain storming sessions as to how to plan and execute the steps towards attaining growth. Let every insult lead to a motivation to prove them wrong. Let every cheating bastards be a lesson to differentiate people next time. Let all the anger fuel up the bulldozer towards success.

tumblr_lzav6fV0tk1r6kkz6o1_500

It’s a twisted thought for some; but think out of the box; let your pain be your motivation.

I personally know its hard but am trying; cause failure is not when we fail; it’s when we lay low instead of getting back up. It’s ok to fall but it’s not ok to get back up take your time but make sure to get back up and make sure you are back on battle mode.

PAin is good; it gives you time to think and what is right and wrong. But yes do not let pain make you do things which are immoral and illegal. CAuse we already have government and religion for that..hahaha.

So next time someone says it will all heal tell them to keep it for themselves. Cause nothing heals we only get adjusted.

images (2)

Cheers to life

Airboy89