I too had a heart…

I-hate-getting-flashbacks-from-things-I-dont-want-to-remember-quotes-about-depression

“You mean nothing to me now, i have found someone better who understands me better than you”, last lines when i saw my love for the last time. I was shocked in awe because for almost 6 years she said I am the best guy who understands her and makes her feel special. Then out of blue when i ask for her hand in marriage with her family she suddenly realizes am not worth it.

After giving up on everything i fought for I get thrown out like I am some use and throw cup.

So when people ask me what happened to me that i have turned bitter and sad, i say “I too had a heart once, which was broken beyond repair”.

Funny after almost a year of breakup i still remember all the good and bad things and emphasize on the good things. She still haunts me in my dream making my day impossible to wake up.

So how do people live like that by breaking others and yet living happily without even the slightest guilt for ruining someone else. Waav, i mean i would love to be that person someday where peoples feeling mean nothing to me and be selfish.

Over the years i learnt that i was  misfit in the society mainly cause i had my doubts on god, i was pro uniform civil code for all. For a while i was lonely bout it but then she made me realize that its ok since not all feel the way you feels so be happy proud that you are one of a kind. And end of the day she left me for the same reason oh the irony….

My friends call me crazy cause i still love her and wait for her. Knowing that is highly unlikely that she will return for when i was rotting in my own pool of depression she went ahead in life and settled in life when i just left a settled life and fell into pit. I do not look for pity or sympathy all i look for is where is humanity..???

The journey has been a bad one i lost all my savings changed job 3 times in a span of one year.

Again am back in UAE looking for a job with a hope that i can land one having no godfather, and with a crazy crazy wish that if i get a job here i can see her some day since she also works here.

Love can make a person do crazy stuff i had heard now i realize it is true.

Taken with Lumia Selfie
Taken with Lumia Selfie

The journey of my life was not a simple one had to swim against the current searching for truth in every aspect of life. Been called out names and made fun for all of it.

But what people do not understand is everyone is different. IF we cannot help someone we definitely should not make fun of them.

Death is what i wait in hope of this pain ending somehow but too scared for suicide since the image of my grandma and parents flaunts right infront of me.

Its tough living like this but everyday i wake my self saying i need to live i need to reach my goals and keep family happy despite having a broken heart which they do not know about.

I find comfort by writing out the pain in this blog and try to get comfort knowing that i said it out loud. Creepy it may seem or what so ever.

Attachment was always my problem and despite knowing it i got attached to few people, took all the insults and back stabbing. Funny sometimes i feel disgusted bout my self that i am a fool in a materialistic world. But then i remember her words that its all worth being different. funny how someone who hurt you so much can still help you fight on everyday.

Recently i had a luck of chatting with her and she said i still havent changed still the same old person and that i would be stepped on by the cruel world and that i need to forget her and move on. at that moment i didnt knew what to tell her except a ok…hahha then i sat thinking on what she said. But my heart was not ready to forget her for it had a tie with my brain regarding ;loyalty. So here i am still in love with the one who broke me down and yet havent learnt my lesson and still wait for her. When i said i have a blog and she can read it to know what is happening to me she just said i don not care for i am happy with my boy friend who loves me and understands me better when she said that a tear just dropped and this picture started in my head when she was alone i stood by her, when she was scared i was with her when she was sad i shared my shoulder for her to lean on, And now she feels am not worth it.. Funny how people can step on you specially the ones whom you thought wouldnt hurt you.

Life sucks right now am jobless, but the urge to fulfil my mom’s dream is just stuck in my head along with other things. When i left my home country i promised her that this time i will get a job and not quit it atleast for a year and will buy a fancy house and car for everytime when we used to go to family functions relatives used to make fun of us since we were not rich my parents were most humble people. And one day my mom just told it on my face saying we have to show people son that we too can have fancy stuff atleast once not that we should show off but we need to bring people back on their feet so get settled soon and i ended up saying yes.

So messy yet i wanna make it perfect somehow keeping aside the pain of my own cause its family and for 6 years i was with my girl i ignored them and in the end they were the ones who helped me to come back here.

It may seem simple people, but depression is a huge burden so when you see someone when you go out give them a smile, talk casually you never know how that can change the persons mood same time help you relieve your sadness too.

Life is a battle we know it but we chose to ignore and sugar it well thats why i am here to bring back reality to reality….

Cheers to life

Airboy89

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Published by

airboy89

Seeing life from different perspective like "everyone else". A bit of a realistic person and bit of "hope" there are fairy tale ending too type. Love travelling, reading drinking scotch and write whatever comes to mind for i have no certain type of genre since I write for my joy for my relaxation and peace of mind. I like to be what i am rather than be what others want me to be at times can be a stubborn ass and sometimes soft totally depending on the way i get treated. Love being alone even though its not my choice. Love listening to music and sip scotch as i dose off to dream land .... Rest you can find in my post so why don you just check them out... on instagram @the_hkesh on face book @ https://www.facebook.com/hemakesh

5 thoughts on “I too had a heart…”

  1. There is always a good day to wait for, is why we need to life suffering each day! Give time for the right time to come, sooner or later you won’t feel any of the above things! When something or someone may again come in your life to create difference, things will change without even you realising. Till then I hope you grow better and better each day. And don’t look behind, what left you is not your’s to wait for. Keep writing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes there is always the possibility of finding someone better or worse but definitely not the one I had. It is just that the pain of the past relation which i live with and have accepted it to be so and just live with it. But yes may be there is someone out there unfortunately my promise given to my ex will always stop me, for at least one of us needs to be loyal even though the other didn’t. Whats the fun in life if we all go blind to the principles of life that needs to be followed as a man of honor… But yes this is my Revelation from pain this blog, this little kingdom of words and peace

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Keep yourself happy, be loyal to yourself, do justice to your living I would say! I completely understand and respect your point of view towards what life gave you. But I’m very sure, someday you’ll come across that uncertain positivity, on that very time don’t forget to text me here then 🙂

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