It been a while when I could really smile deep down from my heart, being trying to post from days but mid way I just go blank and feel let me stop. So today somehow got up from bed and started penning down thoughts.
So here let me give an insight to as to how depression feels like.. In one word its sucks.
Its a beautifully dreadful stage or lifestyle, which one may chose or forced into living it. Despite the urge in one self to make it all end. Life seems all bad and saddening for life seems worthless. Every night seems like a long dreadful torture and one wishes to die so badly that no amount of feel good thoughts help. Its a miserable stage where everything seems to be against you and you are alone in a crowd for life has no purpose it seems. You get addicted to things like alcohol, loneliness and most of all suicidal thoughts. In the nights you cant sleep and in the mornings you will be tired yet smiling. You feel the burden of world on your shoulder and no matter how hard you try to get over it you feel comfortable being sad. Loneliness becomes your best friend and you await death like a small kid waiting for summer break. Worst of all even death scares you cause one side you wanna die but on the other side your loved ones come infront of your eyes and you feel like why should they suffer for my mistake and you decide to carry the pain the burden yet you wanna die somehow.
Sad part is you get so angry when you think of the right things which later on turned against you for that itself became the source of sadness. And the rambling of people saying do that do this when all you wanna do is just be yourself for crying out loud.
You will start hating everyone and everything you feel like locking yourself in a room away from all the of the world. You wanna sleep it off yet still when you close your eyes the unwanted memories haunt you. And you drink yourself to sleep for you feel by getting high you can lose yourself.
Then there are the taunts of reality when you see the factor which hurts you right in front of you haunting you saying a millions words in just visual treat. Then you get mood swings you lose track of time and start enjoying isolation when in reality you just wanna talk and talk so one talks to himself his mind and heart. One starts evaluating the small small things and goes into a philosophical trance. One side you wanna become this ruthless heartless person and just go into a life of not giving a shit about anyone.
Life seems all bad and irrelevant you lose the trust in yourself the once strong minded become a weak minded bastard with no hope what so ever.
You feels like its been days since you were happy really as if its been days…..