A small wish

Let me miss you

without hating you

let me love you

without getting addicted to you,

let me live

without dying for you.

oh darling, let us not get off

this fairy tale we weaved together

let us not accept the reality

let us build our self a parallel

universe. A universe where everything is possible

where our egos fall in love with each other

where our anger builds bridges of understanding

where our pain our anger makes us more powerful

from within and makes us happier

Baby let us not wake up from this sleep if it

ever was to be a dream…..

Advertisements

Come find me

Inside the head runs a river

of thoughts and feelings for you

which is blocked by a dam

called “your happiness”

There is a reservoir of memories

of the days we spent together

the purpose of life seems

all lost, not for the world does not make sense

no longer but for,

You were the ocean and i lost my self

in the depths of your innocence and love

now am just a lonely fish,

Hiding in the depths of the ocean

waiting to be found

Death does not scare, but the thought

of leaving behind trauma for the

ones who still care

does scare.

Every night is a futile

storm of wanting to be with you

and trying to forget.

It is in these moments

that even a deadly drink

seems like a possible solution

it is these times that

anger, pain, tears combined

with alcohol makes a deadly combo.

Who am I?, is a question

i ask myself

for i do not know, i only feel the chill.

The coldness of the outside does not affect.

But the regrets inside haunts and burns down

the once peaceful mind.

There seems no hope,

trying to change is just as painful as physical pain

Cause there is no peace inside.

There is just the vast and shallow ocean

as i swim alone waiting

for you to come find me…

or may be just discover the vastness in the state of loudness

of a ever running river if thoughts……

 

Cheers to life

Airboy89

Break the silence

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Break the Silence.”

“Stay calm”, i told myself as every atom in my body wanted to scream out in anger and just get the anger out. It was in the afternoon i just woke from sleep due to to a dream. It was just 2-3 hrs that i had fallen asleep. since I work for night shift i sleep in mornings. I rarely get sleep since past one year, so when ever i do i like to enjoy it.
image

.
.
.
.

Few years back me and my then so called future better half had gone on a road trip and we had gone to a park and spent some time there discussing bout the future and how to convince both our conservative family. So i still remember that moment we were sitting in a swing and planning bout going aboard making few bucks. settling and somehow convincing parents and planning what to do if they do not agree.

So the dream which i got was the whole conversation on the swing where she told bout how I should impress her family so on and so forth. At that point it was every matured conversation. But i dint knew few years later it would haunt me as a nightmare and she would just be a distant fruit whom i can never have cause she left me.

So as i got that dream i just woke from my sleep with a shout and luckily no one was home. woke up sweating and out of no were tears and anger gushed inside me as if someone had robbed me of my life. Then some how i calmed myself down.

I couldn’t sleep i got off from bed and came to hall and was just sitting there silent and sweating. Everything came back to me; the shame the insults the losses the current situation of confusion made me more angry. Cried a while tears suddenly turned into rage and as i wanted to give a shout on top on my voice the door opened and my mom came in seeing me sitting there she asked me what happened. My heart wanted to tell her everything and be relaxed but then i remembered its my burden to carry not theirs so just smiled and said “nothing mom; am just hungry…”.

When i remember those happy moment spent with her it gives me a mixed reaction within me. For the old her i love for the new her i wanna slap on her face and face and ask what did i do to deserve all this crap in life. Left a good company to be with her; lost every single penny i saved, lost my peace of mind, became a all time time angry person with nothing but rage to bring down everything.

As if betrayal from her wasn’t enough the tormenting dreams then memories its like all some Christopher Nolan sci fi movie..:P

Silence is the treatment i give to all every time and this is the podium i speak out.

An advice never play with someone else’s feelings for you it may be a shitty game for the other person it can be end of peace of mind once you cheat.

Its been a year since i slept properly or ate properly. Ignored family and friends for i do not have the strength to face my dad or mom and tell saying i lost everything cause of a girl ….. Worst part i still love her for i feel somewhere inside her the old innocent loving caring girl i fell in love with still exists

Comments are welcome but do not get down to judging me……..

Cheers to life

Airboy89

The Lonely roads

There was a time, when every road was scouted and traveled even the once less traveled. No matter the distance, the conditions it was a jolly good time. Then things turned out to different in matter of time. The roads which was once cherished has become a reason of torture and nightmares.

In a twist of tales, the one’s whom we adored and the one’s  “who were the reason for our smile have currently become the reason for sadness.

Speaking in general about the irony of life, it is a twisted story of happiness, sadness, anger etc etc..

Just wanted to elaborate a simple point for which am for some reason not getting the right words. So here it goes just jotting down what ever flashes my mind

There was a time in life were we smiled, laughed, had fun with someone it may be anyone; parents, grandparents, your better half. So when we spend time with them we are creating memories without thinking twice about the future as to what will do if one day we are all left all alone without that person.

Funny i should say ,at that instant we do not care for the outcome or consequences for we cherish that moment. The whole concept for memory seems like a trap for better or worst i feel. Judging by recent few personal experiences i dare say it can break you real bad.  So here is a small poem the lonely road. Sorry the lengthy preface.

The lonely roads, on which we once walked with pride, shouts out to me saying hey oldie

For it has seem me with and without you, we scouted the lengths and breadths of it at one point of time.

The road which once filled me with joy, fills me with tears now for you are not there to walk along with me.

The trees bow down without being able to look at my face for it knows it gave us shade on a sunny day.

The butterfly tries to hide away for it knows we played with once.

The crowd seems all busy i seem to be alone in the crowd, for its the lonely road in my mind.

The sky seems to help me cope up with the situation by crying along with me for your absence.

I spoke to the rocks, the soils asking them had they seen you come long,

They all said to me do not try to find the path which you once walked

For now its been ages and the footsteps which you both landed on the ground has been washed away.

When i tell them it seems like yesterday, they all say its always the same my friend since the footprints has not been washed away from your heart.

The rocks told me,’come my friend; turn like me and you shall never know what pain is ‘

I thought may be they are right, but then the butterfly told me come on do u want to hurt that one person whom you walked with when she comes along this path someday or would you like to bring a smile.

I said smile of course, so thus butterfly told then become like the tree, for when its sunny or rainy it gives cover and brings a relief to the ones effected.

And when it gets old it shall be get chopped down and provided warmth during winter.

Only then i realized that the lonely road  can bring tears of joy also.

The lonely road where i once traveled with a great companion.

Cheers to life

Airboy89